#MeToo, So Now What?
The #MeToo movement made space for a positive awaking and healing in me. Like many women, I buried several incidents deep in my psyche and very much tried to convince myself that they had no effect on me. I told myself, it could have been worse. I should not complain; it’s not like I was actually raped. Most commonly, I told myself that I was not going to let any low-level creep have a long-term effect on me. So I glazed over any painful residue and kept on moving.
The #MeToo movement has allowed me the space and grace to examine the effects of a couple of violating incidents in my life, as well as countless situations of harassment. As I sat and allowed all the different feelings to well up in me, I just observed them. I was quite taken by the fact that I could see a larger impact of aggregated incidences of verbal harassments, than the two incidents where my personal space was actually breached. Almost daily, we are witness to brave women (and men) who are coming forward to name their attackers and help bring light to the frequency in which men use their powerful positions over women to assault and then silence them. While the Hollywood and DC stories are hitting the news daily, I can only imagine that there are thousands of similar voices speaking up across Corporate America as well. I applaud these women and I believe that change is inevitable if we keep this up.
It is estimated that 23% of women have been victims of rape, attempted rape or physically sexually assault in their lives but over 95% of women report being sexually harassed in some form. The publicity surrounding all these high profile stories is helping highlight clear boundaries (as if they needed to be re-stated) when it comes to unwelcomed aggressive sexual behavior in the workplace and other places with power structures. However, I feel that many men are only focused on what they see as blatant sexual assault acts. Men are tsk-tsking at Louis CK, Harvey Weinstein, and Roy Moore but they fail to see and accept the subtler ways in which they themselves may make women feel uncomfortable daily.
Personally, I don’t live in constant fear of being raped or physically attacked. That might be ignorant bliss, but I am however on constant alert for the sleight-of-hand sexual harassment that I have received from so many men that it has led me to believe that it can and will come from anyone. So it has a larger overall effect on my psyche and level of tension I carry with me. I don’t just want to have the fall out of the #MeToo movement be a spectator sport, where I cheer for all the women speaking out in Hollywood and DC. I want to make sure that women who are able, use this time of heightened awareness of the issue, to stand up and speak out every time we are harassed. I have spent too much time simply turning away and avoiding eye contact, smiling awkwardly, walking quickly to get out of view of a creep, holding my anger inside or finding a way to quickly change the subject if it’s in a social or work situation.
So here I commit to my own action and I hope some of you will join me. Moving forward, I am going to nip that shit in the butt, on the spot. At the moment of the offense, I am going to stop wearing the shame and lift that shame up and put it squarely on the aggressor’s shoulders. It should not be mine to bear. So this sounds all brave and blustery, but we all know in the moment we freeze and become a little speechless. It’s easier to just move on and not make a scene. So it takes a real commitment, to fight the urge to downplay the event. Here are some examples:
The Cat Caller
The old me would just turn my body the other direction and pretend to be busy with my phone. The issue with my old response is that I am on the defensive and the creep thinks he can keep going with his comment. By speaking up, you are not going to turn this dude into a choir boy, but people are less likely to keep up their bad behavior, at least in the moment, if you explicitly call them out on it. This is particularly true if others are around to hear your objections. And I don’t have to tell women who have been protecting themselves for a lifetime, that this is not advisable in a dark alley. In that case, I advise you run. #MeToo
The Personal Space Invader
We have all be here, right? “Maybe he was simply commenting on my shampoo” or “It was just a hand on my shoulder, right?”. We rationalize, “Well, last week he probably saw Pedro with his arm around my shoulder. Maybe he doesn’t know that Pedro is gay (hence not threatening to me) and that we have been friends for 10 years. Maybe he just thinks I’m that super friendly to everyone.” Most of the time this is a bullshit rationalization, but a first-time offense often leaves us wondering if it was an accident or misunderstanding. If you are not yet convinced you need to go to HR, make sure you at least clearly state what your boundaries are. That way, if there is a next time, you can take “It was an accident” or “Maybe it’s a cultural difference in personal space” off the table and march into the HR office without second-guessing yourself. #MeToo
The “Locker Room Talk “Offender
If the last year has taught us nothing, it’s that the guys who participate in graphic “locker room” talk, have usually taken inappropriate action as well. There was Trump’s tape with Billy Bush and the latest Louis CK recording released by Cellar Crowd on youtube was so vile, I could not even finish listening to the whole thing. So even when it’s just talking about someone else or about women in general, we have to take it seriously. Decent guys, this goes for you too. Don’t let your douche bag buddies think it’s okay to carry on with this type of conversation because it’s just the boys in the room. It doesn’t matter what the woman wears or what her reputation is rumored to be. IT’S NOT OKAY, and should also be reported if it takes place in a work environment. For all you guys who say you support women, this is your moment of truth. If a man reports an incident of inappropriate sexual harassment of another woman, it is no longer he said, she said. There is a third party account and a male 3rd party at that. This will go a long way! #MeToo
So ladies, let’s get to work! When you have your next brave moment in the face of harassment, be sure to post updates on the Quad-Rants 4 Change Facebook Page or on Twitter using the hashtag #MeTooNoMore.
